With fear and ferocity

I frantically pack my bags on Saturday morning. My plane is leaving soon. My week was too crazy to allow for preparation. Now this is not especially abnormal for me. I'm a fairly relaxed traveler. Some might even call me disorganized - although I would argue against that label with vigour.

But not this time.

This time feels different.

I can feel my heart in my chest as I try to imagine what I might wear when I arrive and cram it into my suitcase. I double and then triple check that I have the essentials - toothbrush, underwear, passport, wallet. I phone for a taxi and clumsily drag my bags downstairs.

I sit in the cab with my winter jacket unzipped and the window open. I'm absolutely boiling.

Why do I feel like this?

I manage to navigate my way through the airport and get onto my first plane. My feeling of disconcertion follows me to my seat. Did I forget something important? Is my front door locked? Did I water my plants?

I complete my domestic travel and eventually find my way to my flight to Copenhagen. We are sitting at the gate and I'm watching other passengers board the plane. I feel my sympathetic nervous system take complete control of my body.

I need to get off this plane. 

I take out my phone and reach out to my boyfriend.

"What if I can't do this? Whose crazy idea was this anyway?"

He makes sure that I know he believes in me and tells me it will be okay. He always believes in me. It's actually quite nice. But for some reason it doesn't absolve me of my fear.

And now I am staring out the window and realize why I have felt so perturbed all day...

I'm flying to another country to start a Master's program with other professionals from all over the world who work in different domains. This has been the most exciting professional opportunity I think I have ever had and the months leading up to this very moment have been brimming with anticipation and joy.

But now I find myself on the edge of this monumental cliff and realize that I might not be as brave as I thought I was...

I take three deep breaths and centre my mind.

I allow myself to explore my heart.

I recognize this feeling. I know it all too well.

This is the state of mind and heart just prior to free-fall. The moment when you panic because you feel your next step might be your last...

Your hopes - foolhardy...
            Your decision - futile...
                         The outcome - mercilessly fateful...

But then I remember every time that I have felt this way in my entire life. Although I am distraught as I feel the plane push back from the gate....I close my eyes and I find freedom. This very feeling in my heart, mind, in the pit of my stomach; this is the moment when I remember that I stand at the precipice of challenge and change.

This is the feeling that I get right before I make my very best decisions. Those that ask me to dig deeper, challenge myself, become better. This is another day in the story of my life where I am faced with the decision to fall back...or to forge.

And as this thought moves through my mind I take a deep breath and feel the plane lift from the Canadian run way...

I smile as I feel the powerful ascent of the airplane - now moving in tandem with the courage I can feel warming my heart. May I always remember these moments - where I suppress my surrender and follow my heart.

If its true that you only have one life (and I feel like it might be), this is how I want to live.

Building my dreams and chasing them with ferocity.

Anyone care to join me on my journey?